Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
