i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
