long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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