girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
