Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
