is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
