Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
