I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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