I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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