just come out here and I will go home with you...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
