Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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