I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
