And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
