Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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