I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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