3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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