Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
