what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
