John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
