I wish life had little blips of pornography
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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