His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
