sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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