your parents love me but you hate me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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