I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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