Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
