well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just high enough for therapy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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