My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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