my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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