Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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