please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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