If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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