You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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