I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
