see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
