dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
my poor anus
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize