I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize