Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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