I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
