they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize