Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
