New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
