Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
