I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
