sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize
