don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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