I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It was like getting head from an anaconda
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
