I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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