hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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