It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
