You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
