My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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