So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
