Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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