life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize