you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
