remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
