I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
