shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize